No Need for Tenchis
by suguru-san
Summary: They said it couldn't be done, but Washu's latest experiment somehow makes Tenchi's life even more complicated...
1. From Bad...

No Need for Tenchis! - Chapter 1  
  
[Warning: This is a Tenchi fanfic inspired by the new anime "Seven of Seven". That means this is going to be very, very weird. This fanfic uses characters copyrighted by AIC, Pioneer, etc. so please don't sue me. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.]  
  
It was just another typical Monday morning in the Masaki household. Tenchi yawned and cautiously opened the door to his bedroom--fortunately it was way too early for Ryoko to be awake and out to attack him. He sighed and walked across the hall to the bathroom, popping half a container of aspirin and washing it down with a glass of water. Yesterday had been a typical migraine-inducing day--first, he'd been picking carrots all day, but then Ryo-Ohki had eaten them all. Next Mihoshi had washed lights with darks and turned all his underwear pink. After lunch, Ryoko and Ayeka had turned the hillside into a Superfund site with a battle over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom. Mid-afternoon, when Tenchi was trying to do his homework, Washu had opened a portal to another dimension and he'd wound up lost on an alien planet for an hour, until Washu snatched him back to Earth right before a monster with six heads was about to make him into an appetizer. After dinner, Kiyone had gotten completely plastered with Ryoko, cornered him and spent what felt like a thousand years telling him every stupid thing Mihoshi had done that day. Then just when he'd been thinking at least Sasami was normal, he'd found she'd covered his toothbrush in superglue as a practical joke.  
"I'm doomed," Tenchi thought, as a million Ryoko, Ayeka, Kiyone, etc. fanboys wished they could strangle his indecisive ass for thinking his situation was anything but a dream come true. He took a shower, put on his school uniform, and went downstairs to see what was for breakfast. Something smelled really good--Sasami was cooking again, and Tenchi had to admit while his Dad's cooking was OK, Sasami could probably beat the hell out of any Iron Chef. Well, except maybe for Sakai-san.  
"Tenchi!" Washu's voice called from behind him, just as he was turning towards the kitchen. Tenchi looked behind him apprehensively, half expecting to see Washu-chan in her dreaded nurses' uniform, but he breathed a sigh of relief as she looked normal.  
"Yes, Washu-chan?" Tenchi asked.  
"Hmmm," Washu said, studying his face. "You look tired--being indecisive isn't good for your health, you know. It just causes stress."  
"Maybe I'm just stressed from the six-headed monster that almost ate me yesterday," Tenchi replied.  
"You're such a joker, Tenchi," Washu replied, laughing. "But seriously, I'm almost finished with an invention that will solve all your problems forever," she said, winking at him. "I'm such a genius!" she said, leaning her head back and sounding like she could have given Jinnai lessons on maniacal laughter.  
"Um...I'll go see what's for breakfast," Tenchi said.  
"Sure," Washu replied. "I'll be right there," she added, ducking back into her lab and closing the door. Tenchi wondered what the hell her new invention was. In any case, he doubted it would solve as many problems as it created.  
  
Five minutes later, Tenchi was eating breakfast with Sasami and Washu, when events were put in motion to make his life infinitely more difficult.  
"Tenchi," Washu asked. "Can you microwave this for me?" she asked, holding out a bowl of rice. "It got a little cold."  
"Um...sure," Tenchi replied, finishing his glass of juice.  
"Gomen, Washu-san," Sasami said, looking chagrined.  
"No, it's not your fault, I shouldn't have taken too much and let it get cold," Washu said, as Tenchi picked up the bowl and went back to the kitchen, looking puzzled.  
"I swear," Tenchi said to himself as he walked into the kitchen and put the bowl of rice in the new microwave, "Washu must think I'm her lab assistant or something." He punched the button for one minute, then froze--the microwave was not just new, but--really different. It sounded like a 747 was going to land on his head as the machine shot to full power with a screaming whine. "Aaaa!" Tenchi yelled, jumping back, but he stopped as the lights froze him, somehow taking away his ability to move. The lights were coming from the microwave and they were mesmerizing, in all the colors of the Japanese rainbow--red, peach, yellow, pale green, forest green, blue, and violet. Tenchi felt a strange prickling sensation come over him, his vision blurred, the room seemed to sway sickeningly under his feet--and then a moment later, the kitchen snapped back to normal. The microwave-that-wasn't beeped and the door opened, revealing Washu's rice, charred to a crisp. That was the last thing on Tenchi's mind. The first was the other six people in the kitchen with him.  
Tenchi looked around, and saw six other Tenchis, all identical to him except the top buttons of their uniforms were a different color. Tenchi's jaw dropped, and most of the other Tenchi's jaws dropped with his.  
"Who the hell are all of you?" the Tenchi with a red button asked.  
"GYYAAAHHH!" Tenchi yelled, running out of the kitchen back into the dining room. "W-W-W-W," he stammered, staring at Washu and pointing back to the kitchen. Washu smiled.  
"You forgot my rice," she said.  
"WASHU NO BAKA!" Tenchi yelled. "There are...are...what kind of microw--"  
"Yo," Red Tenchi said, stepping into the kitchen and waving to the original Tenchi. "Are you going to hog all the food for yourself, or share it with the rest of us?"  
"Two Tenchis?" Sasami said, dropping her chopsticks in shock.  
"Hmmm..." Purple Tenchi said, walking into the dining room after red. "It seems your experiment was successful, Washu-san."  
"W...w...experiment?" Tenchi asked.  
"You must be the smart one," Washu said to Purple Tenchi. "If you want, I can show you how I did it in my lab."  
"You'd probably just try to take advantage of me--if you wish, we can discuss it here," Purple Tenchi replied.  
"Damn, you're too smart," Washu muttered.  
"Hey!" Yellow Tenchi said. "Hi, Sasami-chan, I'm Tenchi," he said, reaching out and shaking Sasami's hand. "This all looks really good--mind if I have some?" he asked, sitting down next to her.  
"Um...sure," Sasami said, sweatdropping.  
"Won't we be late for class?" Pale Green Tenchi said nervously, glancing at his watch.  
"Don't worry about it, there's plenty of time. Hi, Sasami-chan," Peach Tenchi said, walking out of the kitchen and sitting down at the table with the rest of them.  
"Washu!" the original Tenchi said, sweatdropping. "You have to change them back!"  
"Well," Washu said. "Actually, I haven't quite gotten around to building the machine to do that yet."  
"WHAT?" Tenchi cried, pulling on his hair. "There can't be SEVEN of me! You have to fix this! How long before you can build the machine!"  
"Well, there's designing it, getting parts, and all that...plus, I've got a lot of other projects I'm working on. Maybe in a year or--"  
"Washu-chan!" Tenchi yelled.  
"Don't worry, I'll fix it," Washu said, smiling. "It was an accident, I totally forgot I left that machine in the kitchen."  
"Who..who are they all anyway? What did your experiment do?" Tenchi demanded.  
"I believe it created six different aspects of your personality," Purple Tenchi said, as he poured himself some tea. "It's pretty clever actually--if we were all combined we would have the exact same personality as you."  
"And the really brilliant part," Washu said with a grin. "Is no matter what they wear, your duplicates will always have an article of clothing change to a specific color, so you can tell them apart easily. Sometimes my genius even amazes myself."  
"Don't hog all the tea, chief," Red Tenchi said to Purple. Purple Tenchi frowned and passed him the teapot.  
"They don't act like me at all!" Tenchi said.  
"Yeah, we're not as wishy-washy," Red Tenchi said, downing his tea in one shot. Tenchi wondered for a moment if it was possible to kick his own ass. Then he looked at his watch.  
"I'm late--Washu, fix this while I'm gone!" Tenchi said.  
"Don't worry," Red Tenchi said with a leer. "I'll watch the girls for you." Tenchi sweatdropped. He could just picture Ryoko, or any of the girls for that matter, and how they'd react if he suddenly showed romantic interest. Tenchi could just picture all the girls pregnant, or calling him to help them change the diapers of all his bastard children, children he wouldn't have even had any fun making.  
"On second thought," Tenchi said. "All of you...er...all of you who are me better come with me."  
  
[To be continued...the next time I get bored at work. C&C is welcome, my email's "b68030@netscape.net"--hope you enjoyed it... -Brian] 


	2. ...to Worse

No Need for Tenchis - Chapter 2  
"Just kill me now," Tenchi muttered under his breath as he walked out of the Masaki house, with six reluctant copies of himself behind him, each a different facet of his personality. Washu's latest experiment wasn't doing anything to lower his high blood pressure.  
"Where the hell are we going? Who made you boss anyway?" Red Tenchi asked. Tenchi stopped walking, since they'd reached the steps of the Masaki shrine, and turned to face himselves. Each one had different color buttons on their school uniforms, presumably so he could tell them all apart.  
"Look, this is for your own good," the real Tenchi said. "I need you all to just stay at the shrine until Washu fixes this."  
"By 'fixes this' you refer to our elimination," Purple Tenchi said, scowling.  
"We're going to be eliminated?" Pale Green Tenchi said, sweatdropping.  
"Don't be ridiculous," Forest Green Tenchi said. "We can't ALL be Tenchi. Washu will just recombine all of us into one form."  
"Great," Red Tenchi said, although he didn't sound too enthusiastic. Tenchi looked from one to the other--whether they were him or not, he had no idea of he could trust any of them. He glanced at his watch--another few minutes and he'd be late to school.  
"We should be going to class soon," Pale Green Tenchi said.  
"NO!" Tenchi said, picturing the chaos seven of him in class would cause. "I mean--I'll go to class. I just need all of you to STAY HERE until Washu can...er...merge us back together, OK?" he asked. Six of him looked skeptical. "Please--just stay in the shrine. Don't go outside, whatever you do, OK?"  
"Sure," Peach Tenchi said, shrugging.  
"Whatever," Red Tenchi replied noncommittally.  
"What if the girls come here?" Pale Green asked.  
"Hide," Tenchi said. "Don't let the girls see you."  
"What if they're naked?" Red asked with a grin. Tenchi shot himself the most withering glare he could, then turned and walked up the steps to the shrine.  
Tenchi walked into the shrine and looked around for his grandfather. He didn't look like he was there--not good. He really wanted him to watch over the six extra Tenchis, but with a sigh, Tenchi realized he'd just have to trust them.   
"OK, everyone, he's not here. But just DON'T LEAVE THE SHRINE. Whatever you do, for the Love of God, do NOT go outside, OK?" he asked. Six heads that looked just like his nodded. Tenchi sighed. "Thanks--I'll be back around 3. If you need food, grandpa's got food in the fridge--and if he comes back, try to explain."  
  
"What's wrong, Tenchi?" Kimiko, the girl who sat next to him in class, asked as they waited for math class to start. "You've been out of it all morning."  
"Oh, nothing," Tenchi replied, sweatdropping. His mind raced with possibilities--either Washu had fixed everything, or far more likely, Washu had fixed nothing, the Tenchis were out and causing immeasurable damage to his reputation. All the girls would hate him, or love him, or much, much worse...  
"You look kind of pale," Kimiko said, looking concerned.  
"No, I'm fine, really," Tenchi said, managing a nervous grin that made him look anything but fine. Kimiko was about to reply when the teacher walked in to start the class. Tenchi glanced over at Kimiko--she was an attractive girl, with blond shoulder-length hair and blue-green eyes that looked like the color of the ocean somewhere tropical. If he was a normal guy, he'd be making passes at her and not worrying about Washu, clones of himself, carrot-mad cabbits, and space pirates and princesses conspiring to blow up his house. Then again, he had to admit ordinary girls just seemed...too ordinary compared to the girls back home. Although Washu's inventions he could definitely do without.  
  
When the chimes rang for the end of class, Tenchi ran to the window, jumped out in front of his shocked classmates, fell two stories, landed perfectly, and broke into a mad dash back towards home. He realized jumping out the window probably should have killed him, but he had an urgent mission. He had no idea what would be waiting for him when he got home, but somehow he knew it would be very, very bad. He took the steps to the shrine two at a time, and sprinted up to its door.  
"I'm home!" he called, sliding open the door to the shrine. "Guys?" he asked, wondering if one of his selves was enough of a practical joker to get the rest to hide from him. He looked around everywhere, in a panic--they were gone.  
"Washu must have gotten rid of them," Tenchi said to himself. "Thank Go--" he stopped as he heard two people laughing. Mihoshi was one of them--and the other person laughing was him. And real Tenchi's lips weren't moving.  
Tenchi rushed outside, just in time to see Mihoshi with Peach Tenchi, laughing at something one of them had said.  
"Tenchi, you're so funny," Mihoshi said, playfully batting his arm.  
"No, you are, you're hilarious," Peach Tenchi said. "I can't think of the last time I laughed so hard, but I guess I'm normally kind of a tightas--hey, Tenchi!" he said, suddenly noticing the real Tenchi.  
"Is this your brother?" Mihoshi asked him.  
"Kind of," real Tenchi said. "Can I talk to you for a second?" he said as menacingly as he could to Peach Tenchi.  
"Sure," Peach replied. He turned to Mihoshi. "See you soon--is 6:00 OK?"  
"I'll be there," Mihoshi replied, blushing, then turning and walking down the steps, humming the background music for a TV commercial as she walked.  
"Six o'clock? What's happening at six o'clock??" real Tenchi asked.  
"We've got a date--we're going to that new burger place in town. You never take the girls out, and it's mean to have Sasami cook all the time. It'll be fun," Peach Tenchi said, smiling. Tenchi looked at Peach Tenchi and wondered how anyone with even a shred of his personality could be so relaxed.  
"What happened to what I told you? Staying in the shrine? Where's everyone else?" Tenchi asked.  
"Yeah, we got bored," Peach Tenchi said. "I mean, grandpa doesn't even have a PlayStation," he added. Tenchi's heart rate tripled in panic. He could just see Red Tenchi going up to Ryoko, using some cheesy line, and 30 seconds later he'd be doing...well, they'd be well on their way to making mini-Tenchis.  
"Where's Red Tenchi?" Tenchi asked.  
"He went towards the house," Peach Tenchi said. "Then I ran into Mihoshi, so I didn't see him after that."  
Tenchi was already running towards the house by the time Peach finished his sentence. Would Ryoko desert him? The thought made him feel like he'd been punched in the stomach. It wasn't even really deserting him, it was just a different Tenchi who was a pain in the ass. Then there were the other girls--he wondered if they all had dates with him just like Mihoshi.  
  
"Tenchi!" Tenchi yelled, opening the door to the house and feeling kind of silly for calling his own name. "Washu? Anyone home?" he called, quickly slipping off his shoes and hurrying into the living room. It was empty, but a chill ran down Tenchi's spine as he heard his own laugh, coming from the backyard. Tenchi ran for the back door, slid open the screen door and saw something he hadn't expected.  
"Tenchi?" Aeka said, looking at him with a confused look on her face. Her and Pale Green Tenchi were sitting across from each other, having tea together. Even though Pale Green was a copy of him, Tenchi still felt a small pang of jealously--although it was quickly replaced by fear, because he doubted Red would be happy just having tea with Ryoko.  
"Where's Red?" Tenchi asked Pale Green.  
"I'm sure I have no idea," Pale Green Tenchi replied. "The princess and I were just enjoying tea--" Tenchi turned and ran back inside, trying to think of where Red would go. He stopped at Washu's lab and pulled on the door handle. If Red Tenchi wanted to take Ryoko somewhere private, it didn't get more remote than a lab in another dimension. Tenchi pounded on the door.  
"Open up!" Tenchi yelled. The door opened a crack, and Purple Tenchi stuck his head out.  
"Um--can you come back later?" Purple asked, sweatdropping. Tenchi noticed Purple was wearing a bathrobe with a little chibi-Washu embroidered on the pocket.  
"Is Washu in there?" Tenchi asked.  
"I'm working on the solution!" Washu's voice called. "Don't worry, everything will be fine!"  
"Washu!" Tenchi called through the door, not wanting to go in and see her in her nurse's outfit or worse. "Where's Ryoko?"  
"I don't know, I'm kind of busy right now," Washu called back.   
Tenchi gave Purple a hostile glare, then turned and ran outside of the house, towards the carrot fields. There was a small shed near there--he didn't want to think of what Red Tenchi might be trying to pull on Ryoko right now.   
He got halfway there, before he saw Sasami--walking down a path through the woods with himself. Tenchi ran after them, and caught up with Sasami and Yellow Tenchi.  
"What do you think you're doing?" Tenchi asked Yellow. Yellow and Sasami looked at each other, puzzled expressions on their faces, then back at Tenchi.  
"We were just going for a walk," Yellow Tenchi said. Tenchi noticed something was wrong with Yellow--the other Tenchis were perfect copies but this one was a little shorter, maybe a little younger also.  
"That's all?" Tenchi asked warily.  
"What's wrong, Tenchi?" Sasami said. "You're all red--have you been running?"  
"Um--have you seen Ryoko?" Tenchi asked. Sasami and Yellow Tenchi shook their heads. "Red Tenchi?"  
"No--I haven't seen Ryoko-oneesan or him since lunch," Sasami said.  
"Were they with each other?" Tenchi asked, feeling a stab of panic.  
"He was talking to her, but when we left everyone was still eating lunch," Sasami said.  
"Thanks," Tenchi said, abruptly turning and running back towards the fields. The sun was beating down and sweat was starting to trickle down his face, but he kept running as hard as he could on sheer adrenaline. Almost out of breath, he finally reached the shed by the fields, and threw open the door.  
"Ryoko!" Tenchi called. It was empty. He quickly searched to make sure they weren't just hiding somewhere, then sighed and went back outside. He looked in all directions--there was no sign of anyone, just the chirping of birds and insects. He felt like he'd been hit in the stomach--Mihoshi, Aeka, Sasami, Washu, probably even Kiyone and Ryoko although he hadn't found them yet--they all seemed happier with his duplicates than the real thing. Tenchi tried to think of where else Red Tenchi would go--and tried not to think about if he'd be able to get there in time.  
  
[That's it for chapter 2--hope you enjoyed it!] 


	3. Conclusion

No Need for Tenchis  
Chapter 3: Conclusion  
  
Tenchi stood under the hot sun in the carrot fields, trying to think of where Ryoko might have gone. He tried to tell himself he was overreacting and that Red Tenchi wouldn't dare to make a pass at her, but based on what little he knew about Red's personality he had to assume he would. If the two of them did find a way to be alone together, he was sure they wouldn't just pass the afternoon playing Scrabble. Suddenly it hit him--there was a second room in the house that was in another dimension, a room Ryoko had invited him into before. It was the bathroom--the one that for him and his dad opened to a normal bath, but for the girls opened up into a huge onsen. Red Tenchi could easily take Ryoko in there, and no one would ever find them.  
Cursing himself for not thinking of the bath when he was home, Tenchi took off for his house at a sprint. He was just coming in sight of the house, when he noticed two figures walking down the road that led to the town--and one of them was wearing a high school student's uniform just like his. Their backs were to him, and at this distance he couldn't tell who the girl was, but he ran to intercept them anyway, turning away from the house. From a hundred yards away, he saw it wasn't Ryoko--it was just Kiyone and one of the Tenchis.  
"Hey!" Tenchi called, gasping for breath. The couple ahead of him turned around, and hurried back towards the real Tenchi, who doubled over as he started to see stars flickering in front of his eyes. Tenchi staggered forward, as his whole body suddenly felt impossibly heavy, like he was trying to carry a sumo wrestler on his shoulders. Running in the heat had taken more out of him than he'd thought, and he collapsed in the road, with barely the strength to reach out his arm to break his fall. He could hear Kiyone's and his voices getting closer as he fought to keep from slipping into unconsciousness. As the world swirled around him, part of him wondered if he had any business interfering with Ryoko at all. If she liked Red Tenchi better, who was he to stand in the way? If Ryoko was happier with Red, he had no business trying to keep them apart...  
"Tenchi?" Forest Green Tenchi said, helping him sit up. Tenchi tried to look up but the world swirled around him, like he'd just stepped off of a merry-go-round.  
"Keep your head down--give yourself a minute to relax," Kiyone said. "What happened?"  
"Ryoko," Tenchi said. "Have you seen her?"  
"She was with Red Tenchi when we left," Kiyone said. Tenchi felt sick. "Why do you ask?" Kiyone asked.  
"No reason," Tenchi said weakly, trying to stand up. Forest Green Tenchi caught his arm and helped him stand. A cool breeze blew, helping to clear Tenchi's head. For the first time, he thought about what he would actually say to Red Tenchi and Ryoko if he found them together. Could he really blame either one of them? Red was just him, only a lot testier and more decisive. The more he thought about it, Red was really the perfect match for Ryoko--Red Tenchi seemed like the type to gladly go along on a life of adventure. None of the Tenchis were indecisive, except for the real one. Maybe, he thought, Washu had created better copies of himself than the original.  
"What's wrong?" Kiyone asked.  
"Nothing," Tenchi said quickly, turning and hurrying back down the road towards the house. He finally stopped running, slowed to a walk, and went past his home without looking at it, continuing on to the shrine. He walked up the steps to the shrine, feeling numb, like he was in a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. Ryoko was gone, probably perfectly happy without him (or at least without the original him) and there was nothing he could do about it. She had picked someone else--he had never thought it could happen, but now he realized how arrogant that had been. He hadn't courted her, never took her out to dinner, or bought her flowers, or really given her much encouragement. Miserable, Tenchi walked towards the shrine, and laid down on the stone tiles in front of it.  
The sun was getting low on the horizon now, setting the few wisp-like clouds in the sky on fire in brilliant colors, but Tenchi didn't notice. He closed his eyes, picturing when he'd stood with Ryoko on the pier at San Francisco, thanks to another of Washu's inventions gone haywire. She had been beautiful--all the girls were beautiful, really, but that moment, Ryoko was particularly breathtaking. And he hadn't said anything, or done anything. He could have asked her out, or told her how much she meant to him, or probably even kissed her, but he hadn't. Now she was gone forever.  
"Tenchi, you...you IDIOT!" he yelled, his voice echoing off the shrine, scaring away a flock of birds resting in the trees. He fought back tears as with his eyes closed, the echoes died away, leaving nothing but the sound of birds flapping away in the distance.  
"What's wrong, Tenchi?" Ryoko's voice said, nearby. Tenchi opened his eyes, squinting to see a familiar figure standing over him.  
"Ryoko..." he said, not believing his eyes. He sat up as she looked at him with a puzzled expression on her face. He looked around, but didn't see any sign of Red Tenchi. Then it hit him--she'd come to say goodbye. "I understand, Ryoko," he said, managing a weak smile. "Red Tenchi's probably better than I am, anyway--he can make tough decisions. I don't des--" he stopped talking as Ryoko placed a finger over his lips.  
"Tenchi, you know what I always wished I could change about you?" Ryoko said, as Tenchi's heart sank.  
"That I was more--"  
"Nothing," Ryoko replied, smiling. "Absolutely nothing. If there was, you think I'd have stayed here all this time, and put up with Aeka's whining?"  
"You're not leaving with Red Tenchi, then?" Tenchi asked hopefully. Ryoko shook her head. Tenchi stood up and looked into Ryoko's eyes. "I'm sorry, Ryoko."  
"Why?" she asked.  
"I never should have doubted you," he said, smiling. For a minute, neither one of them said anything, as they stood and looked at the brilliant sunset in front of them.   
"Um...you don't have any plans tonight do you?" Tenchi finally asked.  
"What did you have in mind, Tenchi?" Ryoko asked, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.  
"How about dinner?" Tenchi said.  
"I'll cook for you if you want," Ryoko said enthusiastically. Tenchi sweatdropped, remembering that her cooking could kill most people from a hundred yards away.  
"Well...why don't we go out to eat--just the two of us," Tenchi said. Ryoko looked surprised for a moment, then gave Tenchi a crushing hug.  
"It's a date," Ryoko whispered in his ear, a happy smile on her face. Somewhere, the greatest scientist in the universe smiled. 


End file.
